~just me~ (wndrdr) wrote in the_search,
~just me~

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search of... something.. normal

I dunno.

Does it matter?

Most likely no.

Everyone keeps telling me to 'get on a normal' schedule.. and sometimes I do.. but rarely for long.

Everyone keeps saying, sleep at night.. be awake during the morning and day..

But the truth is.. I think sleeping the mornings, and being awake afternoons, night.. is my normality.

Even as a child, I never was able to keep the 'normal' schedule.. I remember being in gradeschool, I would have two alarm clocks, one next to my bed, but far enough to where I had to stretch to get it.. and the other that would go off 5 min later across the room where I HAD to actually get up to turn it off.

Tis the only way I could do it.

I remember getting up every morning at 5:55 in order to be out of the house before 7 to get to school, later, to catch a bus.

And I remember doing this on only a few hours of sleep.. going to bed at 10:30 or 11, closing my eyes, and trying to relax and sleep.. looking at the clock and noticing the hours pass by till bout 4 I would drop off to sleep..

I would do this nightly, then on friday I would stay up till 3 or 4, crash till noon and catchup on lost sleep.

I have been this way in like.. FOREVER.

Later when I moved in with Roy, he had a schedule, he worked at Dunbar then.. from like 2 am till noon, four days a week.. sooooooooo I would be awake till 4ish or 5, then fall asleep, he came home round 1, as it was a far drive, i would wake, make him something to eat, spend a few hours then he would go to bed, and sleep his schedule and id do my thing.

Then later he worked for Federal Reserve Bank of Richmond.. and he would have to be at work 10 hour shifts and come HOME at 4:30 am! which worked perfect as we suddenly got on near enough the same schedule!

Being awake at night makes me feel safe.

9 times out of 10, the bad things for me happened at night.. I remember a few times dozing off at night around 2 am, and being woke up at 3 or 4.. when the grownups figured all kids were asleep.. and wham, yelling, screaming, hitting.. throwing things.. sometimes one of them woudl enter my room.. I learned quickly.. to leave when I first heard the disturbance.. I got quite good at sneaking out of the house, even NOW, out of pure instinct, when I lay down, my mind always goes over escape routs.. even now, I dispise sleeping in total darkness.. I have a hall light on.. and my door cracked (i hate everything being shut.. if a window is not open, a dorr needs to be UNLESS someone else is sleeping in the room, then im ok).. if for some odd and horrid reason my door must be shut.. I will not be able to sleep at night unless a light is ON, that is a must.. even if its one candle.


Johan is here.. and every now and then.. he says:

"Sheesh woman, why can't you be on a normal schedule?"

I think.. for me..

I am
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